Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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