All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
