What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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