To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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