i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
