If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
