Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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