Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
