Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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