We won't sleep together?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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