i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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