I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
