I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
