3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sext me about skeletons
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
