btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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