Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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