I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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