I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
