Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
