My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
