I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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