NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
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I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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