Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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