I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
