Me too!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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