I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
