Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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