Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
