The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
