you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
