I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
