Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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