It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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