I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
