I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
