I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
