Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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