If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
