Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
