Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
