So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You are the jesus of drinking
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
