I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
