see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Duck Duck Cougar?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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