i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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