ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
