we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
