Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
