you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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