Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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