We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
