Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
