Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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