When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
