He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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