you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i now understand why vodka
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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