you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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