I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
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He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
That reminds me...we need to get swords
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
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It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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