I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
