I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
