he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
