Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
