We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
