Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
