Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
