Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So many bounce houses so little time
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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