I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
