Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
