I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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